Ad infinitum

Prematurity. Mediocrity. Contradictions. Insecurities. Pain. LOVE.


It was minutes past 6 pm. We’re on a beach, sitting behind a large tree, on its roots, eight meters away from the shore. It was nearly dark and it was quiet. All we can hear were the sound of crickets, the waves crashing so softly and calmly on the shore, our breaths, our silent whispers. All I see was him. The guy I adore. The guy I chose to kiss for the very first time in my seventeen years of existence. I loved how it happened so sudden, so spontaneous, so heartfelt. I admit that to be quite awkward. He knew how to kiss torridly while I don’t. For the first seconds, I was like.. not kissing back. But my eyes were closed, just letting him go through my half-opened mouth. I felt his lips gently playing against mine. I felt his teeth, his tongue. As I opened my eyes for quite some time, I saw his eyes closed. I saw how he too, cherishes that moment we were having. We laughed, talked and asked each other how we felt about it, embraced and kissed over and over and over again.

Yeah, I think it was so much for a first kiss and that’s the thing. It was good, great. It was worth my wait, our wait. Kissing may be yeah, sensual, erotic and stuff but setting those aside, I guess that or those kisses were cute. And setting aside lusty stuffs, it was filled with so much love, happiness. I didn’t really care if he wasn’t my boyfriend at all, yeah, technically speaking, and would still not care. We just wanna hold each other and just forget the world behind us.

For me it was indeed such a turning point, a defining moment not only for me but for him as well. I knew in my heart that this will be it. That kiss meant turning away from all the hurts we had from the past, starting anew and having the hope that we would last. 

I slept with him.

I. Slept. With. Him. Yeah. You read it right. I slept with him. Lied down on a bed and slept.. we didn’t fuck, like in those movies. Not even had sex. Just slept together, In the most innocent and literal sense of that phrase. Got two layers. Clothes,  his and mine, those were the only thing that separates us.. Yeah, we did kiss for some time but not the torrid kissing, no lips to lips in fact. Silent kissing. No talking, no sounds,  (we talked through his phone beside us, though.), just looking at each other’s eyes and actions. Slow and smooth actions. I felt his breath, his heartbeat, his warmth. Got chills.. goosebumps.. but the funny ones, the happy chills brought by too much emotion.. happiness.

I just love how holds me, touches me, kisses me as if I’m the only one that ever mattered.

I just loved that night, everything. Him.. his smell, his sweat. just everything. I wish that’ll happen again. I don’t care if it’s soon, I don’t care when. All I care and hope is that it’ll last.